Jeg har skrevet dette i dag og ligger den ud på engelsk. Når jeg har bedre tid bliver det på mit helt specialt dansk indtil nogen kigger forbi og retter det.
Bossy children These children simply do not have the subtle social skills to use along with their high organisational skills. That's why the tend to play with older children whose mental ages are closer theor own, but come across as bossy with age peers. We can help them by understanding their experience and explaning the ways of the world: Balance is the key! Symptoms:
(put together by Hilde Buys)
- "No! And you can't make me!", "Only likes to be told once, or rebels"
- Tells everyone what to do, insists that everyone follows the rules, critical, directive
- Likes to manipulate, self righteous, impatient
- Argumentative: "black and white", "no middle ground", "you said", "know it all", dominering
- Testiness, frustration, strong-willed, rude, scattered
- They assume "their" experience is THE only experience needed!
- Spirited children.Causes:
- "A need" to organize, "a love" of complex rules, "a need" for control.
- Bossiness is often due to a lack of knowledge about the boundries of others.
- Anxiety as well as passive aggressive control issues developed by trying to fit in socially.
- Boredom: in order to get attention, or to blame others for own mistakes they are bossy.
- When their perfect verbal skills are not guided at early age.
- Bossy parents, teachers create bossy children.
- "Use of power" can create bossy children.
- Asynchron developement and overexcitabilities combined shows ups as bossyness.
- Often, ways we address bossiness fail so we frustrate/harm them more!
- "My child's life motto is that anything worth doing is worth doing to excess." Webb
Plan of action:What works for one child, does not work for them all, be felxible! Find the underlying causes too!
- Accept it's hard for them to give up authority. Remember this: "No! "You can't make me!" Can turn into 25 yrs later and still a boss ... with the correct guidance.
- Do NOT tell your child that no one will want to be their friends because her or she is bossy.
- About the parents: "The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree", see that their own "bossiness" plays a role too, either see through the child's manipulation or need to learn about it, being a role model (controlled, calm, understanding), spirited, bossy themselves, defiant as a child, black and white views, high ethical and moral ground, high expectations. How we cope with these behaviors can have a big impact.
- Deal with boredom: Teach them "how" to not be bored, channel their energy!
- Anxiety reduction: Music is good, singing, use touch, deal with "the" sensitivity
- Decompression activities (eg. art, excercise, creating, music)
- Loosing control: Set a good example, "leave" or take time out to regain composure, "use" the sweet escape, don't get caught up in the battle, use humor to diffuse the situation, teach children how to apologise.
- Learn about relationships: Analogy planting seeds, is like how realtionships start. Help her to know how it feels to be in relationship with her: Fitting in, role playing, explain how their behaviour makes others feel, teach social and emotional awareness, show respect, mentorship, teach expression is crucial.
- Build their confidence: It takes time to build self-worth/physical needs/socialization, by finding like minded people for them, bossyness is a sign of insecurity/uncertainity: Find/make win - win situations.
- Acknowledge and make sense of demanding behaviors by talking about stregths and fixing correlating problems
- Teach and use listining skills: By being on my side of guy, mentor, not interrupting - listening is critical, let them repeat themselves
- Understand their feelings: See them, understood them, never discredit your child's frustration, deal with their frustration, learn about existential depression! If we better understand - we can support.
- Remember: Words don't equate with what's going on inside! Teach getting there matters score does not.
- Need to use "I feel..." BUT avoid getting sucked in and being bossy! Yes, arrogant and wrong is always fun to deal with Help them understand that fairness may not always work - but it's worth a try first!
- Notice the child's persuasive argumentativ side. (eg. asking for sweets, more gaming time ect.) Let them realise consequences for poor choices.
- Leadership: Turn bossyness into leadership with little adult interventin. Do not expect your child to become the perfect leader overnight! Develope leadership skills, teach difference between control & leadership.
- Teach diplomacy skills: No one likes to be told what to do, so convince them! Debating skills, justice works both ways, democracy, making and keeping contracts, must be balanced and guided for control, let them think they have control is importand, that rules apply to everybody
- "Develope" mutual respect by putting bossy children together (it works!), mentorship, by respecting them! Balance boundry roles vs control, teach them how to take a perspektive.
- Verbal skills: Discussing the intent of a word vs the definition of a word, how not to argue, deal with unsaid truths.
Often they do not correct reasons why something failed. They assume their experience is THE only experience. Repitition and petience is needed.
In order to really understand "bossy" children you need to realise that this article is just a start, more like a summery of ideas - the ideas are all from parents, educaters and adults that have first hand experience in dealing with bossyness. For further reading to understand the mechanisms I suggest:
"Counseling, Multiple Exceptionality, and Psychological Issues" http://bit.ly/b36fab
"How not to argue with little lawyers" http://bit.ly/3NcFzp
"Lets ban bossy" http://bit.ly/dqTwQT
"Losing Our Minds: Gifted Children Left Behind" http://bit.ly/aBXFRT
"Why Gifted Children are Bossy and What to Do About It" http://bit.ly/9oOhlp
"Highly gifted children and peer relationships" http://bit.ly/aSIvY6
I read about "Dealing with Little Lawyers and Bossiness" at a #gtchat transcript made by Deborah Mersino at 23 April 2010 from twitter.com. The original transcript can be found at: http://bit.ly/cOBaKf After plowing throught he transcript I put the above summery together. Thank-you EVERYBODY for your great ideas.